Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Visited my mother today...

Amelia came along, for support. I wouldn't have gone, but it's ma's birthday. It's the only day I can bring myself to visit her. This is, after all, the woman who ruined my life.

The mental institute is a cold, cold place. What can you expect from a direct descendant of the sanitarium's of yesteryear? In the old days, they would have experimented on my mother. They would have tried to drive the demons away with methods now frowned upon even for war. Now, they use medicines and psychotherapy. On my darkest days, I wonder if maybe the old ways weren't exactly what some of these people needed...

The visit was short. They always are. It doesn't take long for old ma's clock to go all coo-coo. It started out nicely enough. I introduced her to Amelia. Mom insisted on calling her Kiera, no matter how many times I corrected her. She wanted to know what Amelia had done to her "gorgeous black hair". Mother didn't even recognize a difference between the bitch I used to be with and the amazing woman I'm with now.

It was shortly after I'd tried to correct her for the sixth time that things took a turn for the worse. Mother began to chew her nails - a clear sign that a fit was on its way. I moved to wrap things up. Told her I had to get to work. She threw herself at the glass, begging me to take her with me. She told lies about the government invading her brain. That's what she said after she killed the man who meant more to me than anything else in the world. Mother said the feds had stolen her heart and replaced it with batteries. That one was new. Her stories always changed... Within seconds, security had her in zipcuffs and were guiding her towards the door.

Amelia was in shock, so I calmed her down, taking her out of the institute and back to our car. We ended up going out to dinner to try and help wipe the event out of her mind.

I don't want to become like that. I know I have some of my mother's problems. It's why I'm so worried about being off my meds. I just... I don't want to snap. As soon as things start getting weird, I'm going to get back on my old antipsychotics and antidepressants. I can't let myself turn into her. I can't.

1 comment: