I haven't felt this way in a very long time... Right now, there's nothing more I want than to give up, fall over and die. I've felt the effects of depression before - the tiredness, the hopelessness - but I don't recall it ever being this bad. I feel like my body is decomposing around me, and all I want is to just lay here in this bed and let it.
I know what I need to do. I need to move. I need to find out what TheArsonist is up to. I need to go out to the woods. I need to stop that son of a bitch who killed everyone I ever held dear.
But, I can't. I'm just lying here, staring at the ceiling and wishing he'd come and just kill me so I can rest in oblivion. I'm wanting TheArsonist to just take over and guide me on a path to... destruction? Salvation? Just giving myself over to either one of them would be so easy. Eternal sleep...
It's been this way since I saw the recording of that bastard's face in the window. When I first saw him, I instinctively got angry, but once I fully took in what it meant to gaze upon his face, things changed. Knowing he's real, finally seeing him (even through the distant eyes of another's camera), is just... It did something to my mind. There's something about him that's so huge, so unknowable, that it twists your entire view of reality. Before him, we become nothing but formless clay to be shaped by the harsh hands of madness.
It's my belief that all of us try to find a way to integrate him into our lives. Most disregard him as fiction, a game to play with strangers. Those who experience him first hand either run, try to survive, or break, and descend into insanity. A few decide to fight, to destroy what they can't know. No one's succeeded.
Me... I feel like just shutting down and never waking up again.