Unearthing Memories

I got back from the storage facility a few hours ago. Have several boxes full of old notebooks, video tapes, drawings, photos... Anything that held old memories. Unfortunately, I didn't have access to a VHS player so I called around to work buddies and got a hold of one. Only now getting to go through the tapes... Been a lot of unmarked old Disney movies so far. And a weird porno that must've been my parents. Sick.

I did find this in the box with the tapes. Based on Uncle Eddie and Max being there, I'd say I probably drew it when I was seven.



I'll keep you all posted on anything else I find.

I've spent the past few days at funerals. Eve and Vincent's was last Friday, Amelia's earlier today. It rained both days, like I'm living in a bad movie. It feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest, replaced by nothing but boiling, malevolent rage. I nearly throttled a family friend of Amelia's when he walked in the door at his funeral. He looked so much like... like him: Tall, bald, business suit...

When I haven't been burying the people I've loved that have died, I've been trying to get assimilate, or at least get back in touch with, my split psyche. Other than that, I spent time researching Slender Man on the web. In response to this bit in a comment...

Cinderblock said...

Well if we're all you have left, facebook me, haha.
Anyway you REALLY, REALLY, REALLLLYYYYY should go to http://openthedoorandyouwillfindme.blogspot.com/

There is a man who is after Slenderman.
He is on the very, VERY same step as you.

I actually followed Strahm prior to everything that's happened in my life. I thought it was a story. I still kind of see it that way. However, fact or fiction, his July 9th post is full of useful information. I may or may not get in touch. For now, I want to do this alone...

The other site that's been a lot of use is The Tutorial. I'm not sure how much use M's facts are to me since Slender Man seems to be different things for different people (Perhaps, as a being quite likely created by our own minds, he adapts to each individual's psyche? Just as he was thought into existence, he uses our thoughts to evolve into a different hunter for each type of prey?), but it's still good to know there's someone out there looking out for people like me.

M said...

TheArsonist is the part of you that's fighting back from being hollowed out by Slenderman. Slenderman takes people over, makes them do things he can't do, and was probably trying to do this to you. Usually this either works or doesn't, and people become only that hollowed out part of them, or stay basically the same. I've heard you have some mental disorders and were taking pills for them. What were they? Maybe that's the key. Maybe you're reacting differently to Slenderman because of whatever it is you have.

This is actually something I've been considering myself. It certainly ties into what I... he... it said in Death about fighting Slender Man, like it was an internal war, but TheArsonist said he lost and that I would become "like him". I'm not ready to say I'm sure that's what my disassociated personality is, but it's a leading theory I have.

I used to try and hide my mental disorders, but it's kind of too late for that now. I've only been "officially" diagnosed or psych eval'd with depression, moderate paranoia, and some issues with repressed anger and lashing out. My family history, however, is filled with other problems.

My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic, and psychotic. She killed my dad in one of her rages when I was ten. One minute I'm playing outside with Emily and Ted, the next I hear a scream, and then I see Mama stumbling outside, blood down her skirt, knife in her hand, begging me to hug her.

I never want to be like her.

M said...
Either way I have only 2 pieces of advice for you: 1. Get moving. I know you want to stay in your house, but He knows where you are and can get to you easier because of that. And 2. get in touch with TheArsonist. This may be something you can use to defeat him. I've never heard of anybody with mental illness (severe or not) that has fought him, maybe it can help.

I've actually never seen him near my home. In fact, I've never seen him at all. There was one false alarm, the last time I ever saw Em and Vince alive, but it turned out to be a normal guy. It's... strange. I am planning on getting moving soon. Going to live out of my car awhile. See how well the bastard does then...

And, as I've said, I've been working on TheArsonist, but he's a blank slate after that first realization he's me and "seeing" myself doing all he did. Maybe I'm doing something wrong...

Gonna get some rest. Tomorrow's a big day. Zeke Strahm put forward a theory that Slender Man attacks adults who escaped him as kids. Most of my things from childhood are in a storage facility an hour or so away from here. Perhaps there's a picture or... something. I'll let you know what I find.

New Life

Since Sunday, when Amelia died, I've been preparing for what is yet to come.

My life is tattered and ruined. Everything I have ever loved has been taken from me. I'm not going to let this continue. I refuse to let this monster continue his reign of terror. He should never be allowed to do this again. So, I've been planning, studying, preparing. I have nothing left to lose, and I've decided to go down fighting.

I've done research on split personalities. I wanted to make absolutely certain that my theory about being TheArsonist was true. I have begun meditating in an attempt to get in touch with that side of me.

And it has worked. I remember writing those messages, creating that recording, leaving all those clues... We're one, TheArsonist and I. If you need proof, I'll write something on Watch This City Burn. I remember what my alternate set the password as. I remember nearly everything...

But with every answered question come a legion of others that beg to be solved. The following are what I'm focusing on right now, and I believe they may be the key to gaining revenge on the abomination that stole my life from me.

When did I first become TheArsonist, and why?

It seems logical that it was with Ted's death and the hacking of Watch This City Burn. However, logic doesn't have meaning to me anymore. I'm currently attempting to dig deeper into that part of my psyche, but I can't seem to find anything...

Why did my personality split? While I can remember things I did as TheArsonist, I can't recall any meaning to my actions. My motivations are a haze, and I get a concentration-breaking migraine every time I try to break through it. Hopefully, I'll be strong enough to fully reintegrate that side of my mind. For now, I'm struggling to understand why it happened.

Why does TheArsonist speak in Death as though he has fought Slender Man before?

The answer to this appears simple: If TheArsonist has fought him before, that means I have and don't remember it. Is it really that easy? How does that affect what I should do next? Is there a possibility I am missing?

How did TheArsonist know that Emily and Vincent would die?

This is the biggest question of all, and I still have no answer for it.


If you believe you have any theories about the above, let me know. It's clear to me now that my mind isn't in the best state, so having outside help could let me see something I've missed.

For now, I'm going to continue gathering supplies. I have some money saved for emergencies. This is one. I also have money that was supposed to pay for school tuition this fall. I doubt that I'll be attending, so that's more funds I can access. I'm not quite sure what my next move will be. I'll be sure to keep you all informed. Thank you for everything you all have done. As sad as it is, you're all I have left...

My name is Damien O'Connor. Until recently, I thought I had escaped the insanity that stole my family away from me. I was wrong. One month ago, my best friend, Ted, died. I had a psychological breakdown, and never realized it. My mind created an alternate personality that took control of a story blog I created. As TheArsonist, I attempted to awaken my conscious mind to things locked away inside of myself. It didn't work.

Emily, a friend I've known nearly my entire life, and her husband died because I didn't understand my own second personality. I was stopping in to see them one last time before they left again. I saw the police as I pulled up. I spoke with them about what had happened. And I thought I saw... My first response was to run. But I couldn't. Some force kept me from leaving the town I grew up in. Instead, I went back home, sat down, and, finally, I seemed to ask the right question. The question: How did TheArsonist know Emily and Vincent Ellison (EVE) would die next?

The answer: Because I am TheArsonist.

I spent four days locked inside my room, trying to understand. I had somehow knew they would die, but I couldn't figure out how that could be. On the third day, I realized the only logical way was because I was their murderer. I was the one who ripped them apart, leaving parts of their bodies strewn across a hotel room. I was the one who wrote those cryptic letters on the wall in blood. I took the next logical step: I killed Ted. I lured him into the woods. I gutted him. I dragged his body up a ladder and high into a tree, and hung him there.

It was me. All this time it was me. I am the Slender Man I see. I was just projecting my sins onto an outside hallucination. It's why I saw him, acted as him. Disassociated personality. I am three-in-one: Damien, Arsonist, Slender.

My room still smells of vomit from when I came to this realization.

I tried to kill myself after I understood. Put the .22 in my mouth, closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger. The click echoed in the hollows of my twisted mind. I'd never loaded my gun. Shaky hands forced a single bullet into the magazine, and then the gun was back in my mouth. Drenched in sweat, my finger slowly squeezed that tiny nub of metal that separated me from the void. My phone rang, breaking my calm. It was a short text. Amelia was about to leave to start her way back home. She was worried about me.

For a moment, I considered sparing myself to spare her the pain of my death. I could turn myself in, and be institutionalized. I thought of my mother. The gun went back into my mouth. And the phone rang again. Another text from Amelia.

"This really tall guy across the street keeps staring at me. Weirdo. Going back in to get stuff, then heading. Luvs you *kisses* :)"

The gun fell to the floor. With shaking hands, I called her. I explained everything to her, even the insane parts. She believed me. I told her I wanted her to stay on the line the entire way home. That she'd get back, and we'd find a way to beat him.

Amelia died in a car accident. I heard her last words. "He's here. I love you. Oh god."

I lost my best friend. I lost my first love. I lost my true love. I have been driven to the edge of despair. I have gazed into the abyss. I have lost everything.

Now it's his turn.

ARSONIST!

How the hell did you know? How did you know that Emily and Vince would die over a week before it happened? This blood isn't just on my hands, you son of a bitch! It's all over you too! Why couldn't you be sane? Why couldn't you make sense? Why couldn't you just... WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE THEM!?

Damn it. GODDAMN IT!

I ran.

My hands are stained red with the blood of those I've loved. It's all my fault. Too stubborn to wake up and see I was falling into a nightmare...

So I ran. And I'm running. And I don't think I'll ever see you again. Goodbye, Amelia. I'm not safe. Not with IT awakened - hunting, destroying. Goodbye, my love. Maybe, someday, we can be together again...

The End?

Just got back from an early dinner with Emily and Vincent. They're heading back home later tonight, so they decided to treat me to Olive Garden. I'm just glad Em's still willing to talk to me after my little freak out on the phone the other day about Amelia... Really going to miss her now that she's leaving again. It was really nice seeing her and her husband. I remember back when I was a kid and thought her last name would end up O'Connor. Instead it's Ellison... Still, he's a nice guy and I can see now that Emily's better of with him, and I'm better with Amelia.

Speaking of, I'd like to thank you all for the kind thoughts in the comments. Amelia's mother is recovering alright. Broke several bones, bad internal bleeding, but she should pull through. Amelia is planning on staying there until the end of the week. All safe and sound.

...I feel I should admit something to you all. I'm considering stopping writing on this blog. No offense, but between TheArsonist and the comments that sum up to "ZOMG your world is ending soon", Dreams In Darkness has not done much for my mental health. Ted's death was bad enough, and I feel like this blog only makes it worse. I'm not blaming anyone. It's just...

I thought I saw him at the Olive Garden, outside a window. It turned out it was just a businessman and woman on their way in to have a lunch meeting. I nearly went running out the front door when I saw them. That isn't right. That isn't sane. Who can you trust when you can't trust yourself?

Fuck, I should probably delete that last paragraph. I'm sure you're all giddy to hear me say I thought I saw him. Next you're going to tell me to videotape myself and start running away from every tree or other tall, thin object...