Amelia came along, for support. I wouldn't have gone, but it's ma's birthday. It's the only day I can bring myself to visit her. This is, after all, the woman who ruined my life.
The mental institute is a cold, cold place. What can you expect from a direct descendant of the sanitarium's of yesteryear? In the old days, they would have experimented on my mother. They would have tried to drive the demons away with methods now frowned upon even for war. Now, they use medicines and psychotherapy. On my darkest days, I wonder if maybe the old ways weren't exactly what some of these people needed...
The visit was short. They always are. It doesn't take long for old ma's clock to go all coo-coo. It started out nicely enough. I introduced her to Amelia. Mom insisted on calling her Kiera, no matter how many times I corrected her. She wanted to know what Amelia had done to her "gorgeous black hair". Mother didn't even recognize a difference between the bitch I used to be with and the amazing woman I'm with now.
It was shortly after I'd tried to correct her for the sixth time that things took a turn for the worse. Mother began to chew her nails - a clear sign that a fit was on its way. I moved to wrap things up. Told her I had to get to work. She threw herself at the glass, begging me to take her with me. She told lies about the government invading her brain. That's what she said after she killed the man who meant more to me than anything else in the world. Mother said the feds had stolen her heart and replaced it with batteries. That one was new. Her stories always changed... Within seconds, security had her in zipcuffs and were guiding her towards the door.
Amelia was in shock, so I calmed her down, taking her out of the institute and back to our car. We ended up going out to dinner to try and help wipe the event out of her mind.
I don't want to become like that. I know I have some of my mother's problems. It's why I'm so worried about being off my meds. I just... I don't want to snap. As soon as things start getting weird, I'm going to get back on my old antipsychotics and antidepressants. I can't let myself turn into her. I can't.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Paranoia...
I forgot my antidepressants at work today. Yeah, the test trial ones that I was told to absolute positively not forget to take. I came down, and I came down HARD. See, the thing is, they aren't just for fighting off depression... they're also antipsychotics.
A few years back, I had a terrible nervous breakdown (seeing things, screaming in public, nearly assaulting a mall cop, the whole works) and I've been on them ever since. It's not something I tell a lot of people. The episode that got me on them is what ended up making Kiera break up with me because "She just couldn't date someone who could snap that bad" or something.
So, it was when I took my lunch about halfway through the day that I realized I'd left my meds at home. Thing is, I live about thirty-five minutes from work. It'd take me well over an hour to get there and back. Half hour lunch. My manager's an asshat. I'm already on work probation for some bullshit reason. I have absolutely no way of getting my antidepressants. I think nothing of it. Thing is, I forgot the instructions of being part of the testing.
Basically says: "If you miss any scheduled uses, do not continue using this medication. Contact your doctor for further details." I learned once I got home that I'd ruin my results in the test by going off it for the day, and then going back on. However, they're now very interested in finding out the side effects of the meds. And I'm the oh so willing guinea pig :/ (But, hey, they're willing to pay me double the test income if I don't go on any other meds so they can collect their data. That's fun)
Anyways, at work, I ended up doing okay until the very last hour. My manager was getting all up in my face for talking to Amelia on her day off while I was working and she was shopping. I snapped, clenching and raising my fist, warning him that I could take him out any time I wanted to for getting between me and her. He threatened to have me fired. I raised my fist higher. Amelia ended up grabbing my wrist, telling me he wasn't worth it and asking what had gotten into me. I remembered my meds, told her and Mr. Manager. He let me off with a warning, telling me to not let it happen again (thing is, what I'm getting payed for staying off the medication is BETTER than my weekly paycheck). Amelia forgave me, and I finished work without further issues... other than startling a bit whenever the radio sent over garbled, distorted static (sounds eerily like Slender Man distortion, but it's really just picking up scrambled, colliding frequencies).
And now, after a hard day's work, here I am... sitting in my living room, listening to Ted and Simon talk while they make dinner (Lasagna. Love having a gay roomie that can cook), worried about what effects I could face after going off my medication. If it gets too bad, I can go on something else. I'll lose my test pay, but they will give me the meds for free until when the test would have ended, so that's a plus.
"Watch The City Burn" will be updated later tonight. Work again tomorrow. Hoping to have no further incidents. See ya'll there...
A few years back, I had a terrible nervous breakdown (seeing things, screaming in public, nearly assaulting a mall cop, the whole works) and I've been on them ever since. It's not something I tell a lot of people. The episode that got me on them is what ended up making Kiera break up with me because "She just couldn't date someone who could snap that bad" or something.
So, it was when I took my lunch about halfway through the day that I realized I'd left my meds at home. Thing is, I live about thirty-five minutes from work. It'd take me well over an hour to get there and back. Half hour lunch. My manager's an asshat. I'm already on work probation for some bullshit reason. I have absolutely no way of getting my antidepressants. I think nothing of it. Thing is, I forgot the instructions of being part of the testing.
Basically says: "If you miss any scheduled uses, do not continue using this medication. Contact your doctor for further details." I learned once I got home that I'd ruin my results in the test by going off it for the day, and then going back on. However, they're now very interested in finding out the side effects of the meds. And I'm the oh so willing guinea pig :/ (But, hey, they're willing to pay me double the test income if I don't go on any other meds so they can collect their data. That's fun)
Anyways, at work, I ended up doing okay until the very last hour. My manager was getting all up in my face for talking to Amelia on her day off while I was working and she was shopping. I snapped, clenching and raising my fist, warning him that I could take him out any time I wanted to for getting between me and her. He threatened to have me fired. I raised my fist higher. Amelia ended up grabbing my wrist, telling me he wasn't worth it and asking what had gotten into me. I remembered my meds, told her and Mr. Manager. He let me off with a warning, telling me to not let it happen again (thing is, what I'm getting payed for staying off the medication is BETTER than my weekly paycheck). Amelia forgave me, and I finished work without further issues... other than startling a bit whenever the radio sent over garbled, distorted static (sounds eerily like Slender Man distortion, but it's really just picking up scrambled, colliding frequencies).
And now, after a hard day's work, here I am... sitting in my living room, listening to Ted and Simon talk while they make dinner (Lasagna. Love having a gay roomie that can cook), worried about what effects I could face after going off my medication. If it gets too bad, I can go on something else. I'll lose my test pay, but they will give me the meds for free until when the test would have ended, so that's a plus.
"Watch The City Burn" will be updated later tonight. Work again tomorrow. Hoping to have no further incidents. See ya'll there...
Monday, May 31, 2010
Slender Blog
So, I went ahead and made my Slender Blog today. You can find it at Watch This City Burn. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure on where I'm going to go with it, but I do have a few ideas that I think are somewhat interesting. If you're out there, anywhere, and you're watching this, go check the site out...
But here's the odd thing. I told Ted about the whole idea, and he immediately got a little... antsy. Thought that was strange enough, and then I showed him the paper with my "Marble Hornets's Alex-style" writing on it. I don't think I've ever seen his eyes more wide for that split second. He then immediately calmed down and told me he'd be more than willing to help out with the project. I started to think he was just messing with me on his reaction, or maybe was surprised at how awesome the paper turned out. But it just was weird when it happened...
And then, just a few minutes ago, I went into the kitchen to grab a granola bar. Went to throw the wrapper in the garbage can, and I see my paper, ripped to shreds and tossed in with the waste. I confronted Ted about it, but he claims he figured I was done with it so I wouldn't need it. While it's true I don't need it any more, it would've been very nice for him to ask first, and he certainly didn't need to rip it up. Weirdo :P.
Anyways, i'm due to call Amelia in a little bit when she gets off work, and I'm not much of one for multitasking, so I'm off. Forgot how great relationships can be, at least at the start :)
But here's the odd thing. I told Ted about the whole idea, and he immediately got a little... antsy. Thought that was strange enough, and then I showed him the paper with my "Marble Hornets's Alex-style" writing on it. I don't think I've ever seen his eyes more wide for that split second. He then immediately calmed down and told me he'd be more than willing to help out with the project. I started to think he was just messing with me on his reaction, or maybe was surprised at how awesome the paper turned out. But it just was weird when it happened...
And then, just a few minutes ago, I went into the kitchen to grab a granola bar. Went to throw the wrapper in the garbage can, and I see my paper, ripped to shreds and tossed in with the waste. I confronted Ted about it, but he claims he figured I was done with it so I wouldn't need it. While it's true I don't need it any more, it would've been very nice for him to ask first, and he certainly didn't need to rip it up. Weirdo :P.
Anyways, i'm due to call Amelia in a little bit when she gets off work, and I'm not much of one for multitasking, so I'm off. Forgot how great relationships can be, at least at the start :)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Cue Say Anything
Girlfriend, now... I have a girlfriend nooow...
So, I had a fucking fantastic night last night. And am now, officially, in a relationship with the girl of my dreams :). I've never been happier before in my entire life. Not even when I thought I was madly in love with Kiera was I this blissful...
I gotta get going. Amelia and I are going out to the park and the mall and wherever else we end up...
No way, no how, I have a girlfriend now...
So, I had a fucking fantastic night last night. And am now, officially, in a relationship with the girl of my dreams :). I've never been happier before in my entire life. Not even when I thought I was madly in love with Kiera was I this blissful...
I gotta get going. Amelia and I are going out to the park and the mall and wherever else we end up...
No way, no how, I have a girlfriend now...
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Big night...
So, tonight's my big night out with Amelia. Second date. Going to the 7:30 showing of Iron Man 2 and then to the coffee house next door. Honestly, if this goes well, I think I'm going to use the third to ask her to go stead. I seriously adore her so, so much... Uber nervous, so I'm going to babble a bit to distract myself.
Hey! In Flames! I posted that song the other day because I love it so goddamn much. It's almost my theme song, in some ways. I see myself as a pessimist sometimes, and that song just speaks volumes to me. In Flames, in general, is a band I love. While they started out as a death metal band (which I'm not a fan of), their evolution to a "lighter" sound (which is still MUCH heavier than what you'll hear on your typical radio play) really drew me in. Been working backwards through their catalogue, currently owning their last three albums...
Ted has a new... I don't want to call him a boyfriend so I'll go with "lover". Which is annoying because now I have to deal with additional noise every once in awhile. Fortunately, Ted's kind enough to try and mostly invite him over while I'm at work, but every once in awhile they're still "busy" by the time I'm home... Funny thing is, I've actually never even seen the guy. I think Ted said his name was Simon or something...
Recently discovered the Slender Man "side story" blogs that exist out there on the big, wide web. The things absolutely fascinate me. Right now, my favorite (by far) is Seeking Truth. It's the story of Zeke Strahm, a detective who is currently working on a string of murders and disappearances that may or may not tie back to Slender Man. Has a fantastic writing style that, while occasionally feeling cheesy, is also very engrossing.
One I've got an eye on is "alwayslookback", which is a relaunch of one of the original blogs. Unfortunately, that blog seems to have died out already, which really stinking sucks since I read the plans on the original and it sounded intriguing.
The last one I particularly like is A Rainbow Life. It's an odd title for a Slender Blog, but it's also got enough motion to it to make it worth keeping an eye on. I'm not sure it'll be as atypical as Seeking Truth, or if it'll stick to the old, basic stories, but we'll see :).
In all honesty, reading these blogs almost makes me want to make my own. I'll be sure to post a link here if I do. Not that that'll be good advertising at all since no one reads this but Ted, but still :P.
Anyways, gotta get ready for the date. Wish me luck!
Hey! In Flames! I posted that song the other day because I love it so goddamn much. It's almost my theme song, in some ways. I see myself as a pessimist sometimes, and that song just speaks volumes to me. In Flames, in general, is a band I love. While they started out as a death metal band (which I'm not a fan of), their evolution to a "lighter" sound (which is still MUCH heavier than what you'll hear on your typical radio play) really drew me in. Been working backwards through their catalogue, currently owning their last three albums...
Ted has a new... I don't want to call him a boyfriend so I'll go with "lover". Which is annoying because now I have to deal with additional noise every once in awhile. Fortunately, Ted's kind enough to try and mostly invite him over while I'm at work, but every once in awhile they're still "busy" by the time I'm home... Funny thing is, I've actually never even seen the guy. I think Ted said his name was Simon or something...
Recently discovered the Slender Man "side story" blogs that exist out there on the big, wide web. The things absolutely fascinate me. Right now, my favorite (by far) is Seeking Truth. It's the story of Zeke Strahm, a detective who is currently working on a string of murders and disappearances that may or may not tie back to Slender Man. Has a fantastic writing style that, while occasionally feeling cheesy, is also very engrossing.
One I've got an eye on is "alwayslookback", which is a relaunch of one of the original blogs. Unfortunately, that blog seems to have died out already, which really stinking sucks since I read the plans on the original and it sounded intriguing.
The last one I particularly like is A Rainbow Life. It's an odd title for a Slender Blog, but it's also got enough motion to it to make it worth keeping an eye on. I'm not sure it'll be as atypical as Seeking Truth, or if it'll stick to the old, basic stories, but we'll see :).
In all honesty, reading these blogs almost makes me want to make my own. I'll be sure to post a link here if I do. Not that that'll be good advertising at all since no one reads this but Ted, but still :P.
Anyways, gotta get ready for the date. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Calm, peace, tranquility...
Yeah... kind of had an outburst this morning, as all of you (which is none of you, since there are none who read this blog) saw. Last night, Ted and I were out at the mall. Ted was doing his usual sexual harassment schtick, and I played my part as both willing recipient and unwilling refuser. It's just a game we've played ever since Ted came out of the closet. We even used to do it when I was dating Kiera (which annoyed her to hell and back whenever I jokingly reciprocated his advances). Some old fart decided to get in our faces, preaching the "ways of God" and all that jazz.
Now, I have nothing against the nice Christians. I mean, you know even the polite ones are still judging you. It's in their eyes. But still, I can stand them. Hell, they're generally a better class of person than your typical asshole. However, I cannot stand the biggoted ones. What's more, I can't stand when someone insults a friend. It's even worse when it's my best one, and it's happening in front of me.
I went off like a firecracker, which is very, very rare. Ted had to pull me away from the man, and we were actually stopped and talked to by mall security. Fortunately, I'd cooled off at that point and Ted and I were allowed to continue on our merry way. Woke up this morning pissed off once more, so the earlier post happened... I'm a bit embarrassed by it now, but it did get me back on the blogging circuit...
Now today went fantastic, so I really don't mind yesterday anymore :). Amelia was at work, and we spent all day chatting and flirting whenever we could. Occasionally my manager would come along and he'd send me somewhere else, but I'd always find an excuse to return. Ended up setting up our second date for later this week. We're going to go see Iron Man 2 and then hit up the local coffee shop. That's right. I'm taking a girl to an action movie for a second date. Turns out she's a part-time comic geek thanks to her older brother. I knew from the start she was a catch :). It should be a great time...
Oh, and I promised a photo of Ted's ToTheArk mask about a week ago after he spooked the hell out of me, so here it is :). As you can see, Ted isn't the most artistic type, but it's not a horrific replica...
Now, I have nothing against the nice Christians. I mean, you know even the polite ones are still judging you. It's in their eyes. But still, I can stand them. Hell, they're generally a better class of person than your typical asshole. However, I cannot stand the biggoted ones. What's more, I can't stand when someone insults a friend. It's even worse when it's my best one, and it's happening in front of me.
I went off like a firecracker, which is very, very rare. Ted had to pull me away from the man, and we were actually stopped and talked to by mall security. Fortunately, I'd cooled off at that point and Ted and I were allowed to continue on our merry way. Woke up this morning pissed off once more, so the earlier post happened... I'm a bit embarrassed by it now, but it did get me back on the blogging circuit...
Now today went fantastic, so I really don't mind yesterday anymore :). Amelia was at work, and we spent all day chatting and flirting whenever we could. Occasionally my manager would come along and he'd send me somewhere else, but I'd always find an excuse to return. Ended up setting up our second date for later this week. We're going to go see Iron Man 2 and then hit up the local coffee shop. That's right. I'm taking a girl to an action movie for a second date. Turns out she's a part-time comic geek thanks to her older brother. I knew from the start she was a catch :). It should be a great time...
Oh, and I promised a photo of Ted's ToTheArk mask about a week ago after he spooked the hell out of me, so here it is :). As you can see, Ted isn't the most artistic type, but it's not a horrific replica...
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